I'm Sick & Tired Of Being Sick & Tired

I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired... LITERALLY. I've been so sick lately, and nothing is explaining why, or making me feel better. To top it all off... It's VALENTINE'S DAY -___- Valentine's Day is just a day to be able to be corny for the one you care about. But I had a valentines. He gave me a perfect bear, and chocolates, and my favorite candy <3 It was perfect. But I feel like he doesn't love me the way he use to. I feel like he's getting bored. & I feel like there's only one way to change that ... Ugh. It's just stressful! I'm trying my hardest to keep what we have, but I just think it's making me look stupid and feel miserable. I just want him to kiss me and say "shayla , I feel the same way for you now as i did almost 7 months ago". I want that. But I know he doesn't feel it. I'm exhausted. I'm chasing a wave of problems that touch the sky. I'm only 5'3... I just can't reach the problems and fix them on my own... I needa boost. I need his help. I need him to let me know that we're still a team and we're in this together. I want to feel like the perfect couple we use to be. Before the arguing, and assumptions. When we use to be HAPPY. Yah... I miss it. But I'm willing to fix it in anyway i can. He's all I've got left, and i don't think anyone understands that. It's all or nothing. I'm trying to change to make us work, but I'm getting tired of chasing behind something that's not willing to give me a break. I love him so much buuuuuuuut ... I want things to just go back to how they were.

I Talked To My Dad Yesterday ...

Well... I talked to my dad yesterday. I thought'd it go actually like... Bad. But suprisingly it went pretty good. I mean, everytime I talk to him I talk to him it's like i've known him forever... But I haven't. He hasn't even been around for HALF of my life. I guess that's just a father daughter bond type thing. But then... when i hang up the phone and sit down, and have time to actually THINK... I hate him all over again. I start to think of all the bad things he's done, and the way he's been everything BUT a good dad... I get mad. I start to hate his stinking guts. I start to get irritated with everything he is. It's hard to even consider the good things he is, or could be, because all I'm worried about is what he has done wrong, and what he's doing wrong. My dads not perfect... Neither am I, but at some point in your life does he stop and think 'Wow... I ACTUALLY have a daughter" ? I doubt it. It'd be great if he heard me out for once. It'd be great if he remembered my birthday, and sent me some "I care" stuff in the mail every once in a while, But he can't. Actually... He CAN, but he WON'T. When I grow up and I have kids of my own I keep promising myself that my kids will have the best dad around. They'll have the dad I never got to have. I'm gonna marry the man my children call "daddy". Not only am I gonna marry him, but I'll be married to him BEFORE they call him daddy. I'm not saying that it's bad to not stay with the person you have kids with, I'm just saying that I'll open my eyes and find the man that my kids deserve. And even if we don't stay together in the end, I'll make SURE I pick a man that will be everything he was to them when we were together, the same thing if we split. I wish every kid had a mom AND dad. I wish everyone on this planet had 2 parents that they could smile at and say "Thank You" to. Life would just be so much different. Eveything would be amazing and beautiful if everyone grew up with 2 happy parents... I know it would. If i could make one wish... BESIDES being rich, I think I'd wish for my dad to come around. I'd wish for the relationship I never had with him. It's kinda hard being the only one in your house with no one. The only one that Is CONSTANTLY shoved at the fact that my brothers and sister have their dad, but I don't even TALK to mine. I fake everything like it's cool that I never talk to him, but in all honesty... It sucks. At the end of the day I can't make him love me. I can't make him call me. I can't make him be who I want him to be. I can either wait... Or I can move on. The Choice Is Mine .

Im Stressed Outtttttttttt !

Somedays I just wanna run away & hide. I wanna throw my covers over my shoulders and fly to a place where every things better . Where I am... Life is big load of nothing. I feel like every things always my fault. I feel like the biggest teenage bitch in the world! I feel like I don't try hard enough to make the people that mean most to me happy. I feel horrible everyday. I feel like I'm never gonna be good enough. I feel like no ones ever gonna understand. What's wrong with me? What's wrong with my LIFE? Why do I have to wake up everyday & be me? I'd rather not sit infront of this stupid computer and cry, but that's what it has to lead up to I guess. I can barely type right now. Lol it sucks. I'm not the person everyone wants me to be, but I'm really trying. I'm trying to be a perfect student, an athletic daughter, a gorgeous perfect big sister, and an amazing girlfriend... I really am. But I can't. I'm stressed outtttttttttt! I need a break. I need everything to slow down for a minute so I can catch up. I'm so overwhelmed. I just can't keep up.

Nothings A Big Deal When It's Not Happening To You

So um... I'm loosing weight. Randomly. And to be honest... It's scaring me. I'm eating a lot. I thought? My mom thinks i'm doing this on PURPOSE. My size zero jeans won't even stay up on their own, & my belt is on it's last hole. Maybe she's blowing this out of porportion... Or maybe not?  I'd never try to loose weight on purpose. That's for girls who don't know who they are. I'm a size zero and in high school, and frankly... I don't care. Beautiful is beautiful. You don't have to be a size a size zero to look like one. You don't have to be a size 5 to feel like one. I was born in a family of woman under 5'3, and men only around 5'8. I was born into a family with woman who have beautiful faces, and curves. I'm not a stick, but i'm not what you can really call... Thick. Loosing weight is the LAST thing I'd want. I hate to stress my mom out over the situation, but i'm really not trying. I guess this can really be dangerous. I guess this is really starting to be a problem. I mean... I''ve been feeling fine, but i've been shedding weight like a bear sheds fur. I just wanna know one thing... If you look at me can you tell? Can you tell that you can wrap your whole hand around my wrist AND have it overlap? Can you tell that my legs are almost the size of your arms? Can you tell? If so, then there's a problem. I need medical help. It's really been stressing me out too. I've been... pretty mean lately. There's so many things going on in my head, and if anyone THINKS they know how i feel then they haven't asked. Because this may seem small, but it's REALLY getting to me. It's irritating to hear about it everyday, and actually have to deal with it. It's annoying to be forced to do things you don'tt want to do, even though it's to "Help" you. I'm tired... I'm SO overwhelmed. There's a couple other things bothering me that just tie into this horrible nightmare, but nothing major. It's just a whole bunch of little problems all tied into one. It sucks.. It's not even something i wanna talk about, cause no one will get it. No one will probably even care. Nothings a big deal when it's not happening to you... and that's how i feel. Well anyways; I guess it's just something i gotta get over, or fix. I'm not sure where to start though.

I'm Shayla Diamond Capri Zion

Well... here we are. Back at square one when I THOUGHT I was at LEAST at square 100. Sorry if i'm not the girl you want me to be. I'm jsut not like other girls. I can break it down for you if you want? Ok...
Well, i'm the girl that tries to smile when theirs a million things wrong, because everyone expects me to be strong. I'm the girl that drains the milk off her spoon before she takes a bite of her cereal. I'm the girl that runs into something the second i blink my eyes. I'm the girl that laughs when i fall even if it hurt. I'm the girl that sleeps when she's stressed, and cries when she's mad. I'm the girl that dreams about her dreams. I'm the girl that stands infront of the mirrior and practices what I'm going to say when I don't think it's gonna come out right. I'm the girl that has burping contests, and wrestles with her brothers, but can throw on a skurt that rides to my thigh and stand on a track to scream at some sweaty boys and a wild crowd. I'm the girl that gets jealous when someones texting my boyfriend. I'm the girl that is a TOTAL complete bitch to the people I can't stand. I'm the girl that tells my mom about the good things going on in my life, and keeps the bad things a secret. I'm the girl that's sleeping with a bear my ex boyfriend gave to me a while back when I miss him. I'm the girl that sings not only in the shower, but in the kitchen with a cooking spoon while I'm SUPPOSE to be doing the dishes. I'm the girl that screams in her pillow when she's annoyed, and stays completly silent when she's sad. I'm the girl that believes self image is important. I'm the girl with a future and a past. I'm the girl that kisses my brothers on the cheek when their sad and tells them that everything gets better. I'm the girl that will babysit your kids, but complain about staying home with my siblings. I'm the girl that struggles in school. I'm the girl that falls in love... Then falls out. I'm the girl that's always trying to make the class laugh. I'm the girl who actually cares what people say about her. I'm the girl with tiny hands, and big feet. I'm the girl with perfect hair, and horrible skin. I'm the girl that works hard, but complains along the way. I'm the girl with a big heart, but a small attention span. I'm the girl that's laughing at my own jokes, that starts to laugh even harder because no one else is laughing. I'm the girl that gives my mom anything she wants, and appreciates everything she does. I'm the girl that can't cook even if i follow the directions on the box. I'm the girl that knows excatly how to piss somebody off. I'm the girl that everyone comes to when they need advice. I'm the girl that can help everyone with their problems, but can barely fix my own. I'm the girl that hates being told what to do. I'm the girl that doesn't know how to keep her mouth closed at the times she probably should. I'm the girl that doesn't learn from her mistakes. I'm the girl that can sit infront of a video game for hours straight without food. I'm the girl that dresses in what i'm comfortable in. I'm the girl that doesn't get affected by peer pressure. I'm the girl that's standing in line complaining about how long it'll be until my turn. I'm the girl that wants to give back to the world one day. I'm the girl that believes change starts with one person. I'm the girl that laughs at naive people and says "KARMAS A BITCH". I'm the girl that was bullied in elemantry. I'm the girl that has been the bully. I'm the girl that is extremely mature for her age. I'm the girl that found herself through writing. I'm the girl with the HUGE house, but broke as a joke unless i ask my mom and dad for money. I'm the girl that tries to be better than everyone else. I'm the girl that tries NOT to be better than everyone else. I'm the girl with a goal. I'm the girl that stays confused. I'm the girl that can go to sleep at 9 O'Clock at night and STILL wake up at 12 in the afternoon. I'm the girl that things before she does. I'm the girl that is good at talking infront of large crowds. I'm the girl that can hold a conversation. I'm the girl that hates change. I'm the girl that has a dream, but doesn't even know where to start. I'm the girl that prays almost every night. I'm the girl that has been called a slut because i have alot of guy friends. I'm the girl that has never even had sex. I'm the girl that's different... I'm the Girl that no one regrets meeting. I'm Shayla Diamond Capri Zion.

The Way I Should Take It

My life isn't perfect... But ya know, through the ups and downs, and spirals and flips... I'm doin just fine. I'm still ok even after arguing with my mom. I'm fine even though I'm grounded. I still smile even though my... Boyfriend? Is a complete confused douche bag. I'm doin alright, even though my life has changed so much. Everyday, I wake up and whisper "thank you" (I really do), and everyday I find myself snapping on someone, or being mad or being stupid over little situations, but then i go to bed at night and smile. I remind myself that everyday I'll face a challenge that I didn't face yesterday. I'll fall, and cry, and wish my life was easier... But I'll get stonger. For so long I've tried to get outta life the easy way... I've tried to MAKE myself happy. I've tried to be the person that I saw in the movies... But life doesn't work that way, Ya know? Life is full of little surprises that you probably don't even notice on a daily basis. I'd be surprised if we even got surprised. I'm A girl with a dream though, and i've learned that the more you love and appreciate life, the more it'll love you back. That's just the way it works. Everyone has a purpose... But everyone also has A CHOICE. What's my choice? My choice is to just sit back, and take life as it was given to me. No shortcuts, no easy-ness... THE WAY I SHOULD TAKE IT. These past 3 weeks have been stressful... but look at me... I'm smiling (;