Dive

They say time heals all wounds and changes you. 

Time changed my life. 

Time made me alone. 

Time stopped the sun from shining and made the air bitter. 

Time held me where I was. 

Time took god out my life and replaced it him with anxiety. 

Time took me out of my comfort zone. 

Time challenged me. 

Time destroyed me.

The greatest things in life are never remembered. They are quickly forgotten.

They are brought back by a smell that makes your hurt jump. By a song that gives you goosebumps. Or a place that smells like memories. 

Time has us forgetting the greatest things, but feeling the worse things forever. 

Time changes the life around us, but never our hearts. 

We feel the worse things forever because it sits in our soul.

We ball it up and throw it out. 

If you throw a rock over a cliff, into the ocean, it sinks. But It’s never gone.

When we throw our hurt into our soul, it sinks. 

But it’s never gone. 

Healing is swimming to the bottom of the ocean and grabbing your rock. 

Only the strongest people make it to the bottom. 

Some of the best people die healing. 

And the saddest part is, it’s not their fault. 

On your way down,

Don’t miss a beat. 

Don’t be scared to be sick to your stomach with regret. 

Don’t be scared to scream and cry. 

Don’t be scared to be pissed. 

Don’t be scared to know you’re damaged.

Feel it. Sit in it. 

Then grab the rock. 

You change good people when your heart is fucked up. 

And good people toss their hurt in their soul instead of sitting in it because the feeling is foreign. They don’t know what to do with it. 

Until they hurt someone too. 

Grab your rock. 

Women learn. And then fuck up. And then learn again.

Thought I wasted all year looking for myself, when in fact I knew exactly who I was the whole time... I just didn't believe it.

I spent so much time trying to figure out what I should REALLY be doing. I was losing friends, and trying to fix familyships and a relationship. I was tried of my responsibilities. I got tired of my surroundings. I was tired of my routine. I got tired of the way people treated me. I got really fucking tired. I sat there and wondered everyday, "where did I go wrong?" I had all these dumb problems, and I knew that if I ever let someone look into my world they'd tell me to catch a fucking grip. But where do you start looking for yourself when you don't remember where you lost yourself? It's funny actually, because being lost is cool sometimes. You live off impulse and do a lot of shit you hope you won't regret. Although you're free to do whatever you want in life, you feel trapped because you don't know where to start or what you're supposed to be doing. You have no idea what's going to even work for your life. You're trying not to mess up, but you're messing up because you're trying all the wrong things. Oh, and meanwhile, losing you're mind to the thought of never being able to figure it all out. Itching to venture out in the world and go with the flow, but fearing what everyone will say. That feeling of being lost burned like fire in me honestly... And I reacted to it as I felt. Which was hurt. Before you knew it I was literally losing who I was because I didn't even want to be who I was. I didn't like who I was. So I let me go. And I actually shut down for a second. I started to smoke a lot and keep people in my life simply because I felt like I needed them. I became the "bitch" they all said I was, and it was super scary because for some reason I craved people's approval of me. And they weren't approving. I always hated that about myself. And I knew that's where I wanted to start. So I stopped chasing people and let them leave. I also stopped pushing people away who wanted to love me. I started to apologize to the people I hurt, and I didn't even expect an apology from the people who hurt me because I forgave them anyway. I forgave them because I was ready to love myself again despite anyone who couldn't. And of course, I'm 19 years old and the journey to find myself showed me other things than what I was trying to figure out to begin with. I tried to work on my communication, and instead I learned that saying nothing can be the best form. I tried to convince myself that I needed to be alone during all of this, and instead realized that I was missing out on some important friendships that I needed to lift my spirit. I tried to work on not pushing people away, and actually learned something different while coloring with a 10 year old who's daddy let's her do his makeup and paint his nails from time to time. She said she's the only girl and he barely ever says no unless he's tired. She asked me if my daddy ever let me do his makeup. And you know what?  I'm actually really fucking hurt that I could never do my daddy's makeup and nails... Because I was the only girl too. I couldn't ever seem to face that I was hurt about my dad not being around. I learned that I know what hurt feels like.. And that's why I refused to let anyone make me feel it again. Now I refuse to allow myself to push good people away because bad people hurt me. Having good people in your life is a necessity for your growth and happiness, and it's okay to have people in your life to help guide that. I tried to stop caring what people thought, and instead actually realized that not everyone matters, and if they do matter then I have to hear them out and understand that it's just out of love. I tried to be more positive about going to work everyday, and actually realized that the problem was that I wasn't happy working where I was. I tried to be more motivated about going to class everyday and, I actually learned that I wanted to change my major. I tried telling myself that I need to stop being a "bitch", and I realized that I'm not a bitch. I believed I was and that's why I acted like one. But what's a bitch? A woman who is passionate is a bitch. A woman who expresses her emotions and wears her heart on her sleeve is a bitch. A woman who says how she feels and isn't afraid to be right or wrong no matter who's watching. A woman who reacts to what life is giving her in all the ways she wants to. Maybe I'm not a bitch. Maybe I'm just a woman. Maybe I'm a woman who's making mistakes and learning. Maybe I'm a lost woman who is going left when I should go right. Maybe I'm a woman who's still looking for her mind. Maybe im a woman who doesn't want to find it. Maybe I like my mind being lost. Maybe no one can tell me about myself because I can't tell you about myself. Maybe I don't have all the answers because I'm not looking. I was never looking. Maybe that's why I am who I am. Because I've never looked for the answers. I am who I am because I've fucked up and learned and fucked up again. Now I just have to keep learning. Always keep learning. You're a passionate woman, not a bitch. Women learn. And then fuck up. And then learn again.

DISASTER

Close your eyes and take yourself back the happiest time of your life.

Did you think it was the happiest time of your life when you were living it? Or was it just a beautiful disaster that you thought was JUST a disaster until you stop and think about it now? Sometimes the happiest moments in our lives are the ones that seem like a mess. Because in between the mess were little moments that made you smile and cry and laugh. And maybe even smile, cry and laugh all at once. Before you know it, what was just yesterday will turn into the past and you'll be sad about it. You'll wish you could have enjoyed that time a little more but there's gonna be nothing you can do to try it again. The people that you spent that time with maybe people you don't even look at anymore... But that's okay, because you guys both probably share the same beautiful disaster which means they think about you too.Don't get yourself stuck where you don't belong. Let the happy times be the happy times and move forward so you can create more happy times. Let the people who have changed go. Let them create their own person and explore a memories. Sure you'll miss them but they're allowing you to create your own person also. Accept the new people in your life. Let them love you. Let them fall in love with a beautiful soul so that they grow with you. You'll never be able to keep up with your life so let the past win the rest and just walk so you can enjoy the view a little bit. Let the past teach you that it was nice to live in such a nice place, but if you stayed there you'd wish there was more to life. I guess "happy" is an understatement when it comes to beautiful things. Besides, what's more beautiful than a disaster?

Just Because Society Says

Societies not ugly because we're not all treated equal or everyone's going out & doing things within their morals, but because since children we've been made to believe that no one can be someone in life without a high GPA, an attractive face, or talent. But what if being what society calls "nobody" makes you feel happier than people who appear to be happy because society considers them a "somebody"?

A Lie Is A Lie And It Hurts

A lie is a lie and it hurts.
To be hurt is a feeling you only understand when you feel it for yourself.
We all say all we'd never lie to someone we love or care about. We say we'd never cheat or hurt the person that's cared about us the most. But we're all hypocrites to be honest. There's a part in all of us that's just a bad person. There's something inside us all that isn't quite "good". But you know what...? We all make mistakes. And if we didn't then we'd never be able to say, "I grew up".
But a lie is a lie and it hurts.
When you're young, the only kind of 'hurt' was scraping your knees on the sidewalk. Now 'hurt' hurts worse because we're starting to get imaginary knives stabbed in our backs by people we laugh with everyday... And somehow... That hurts so much worse than an open womb.
Because lie is a lie and it hurts.
A pattern of dominos falls when you brake someone's trust. First, they stop believing you, and then they start asking you a million questions all the time, and eventually they begin to question everything you do.
Sometimes we lie to keep someone around in our life. They make us so happy and care free that the thought of living without them after you've messed up is slightly unbearable. You hope in you're head that the story is enough to make them remain your everything.
But a lie is a lie and it hurts.
A million bridges are burned when you hurt someone. And not a thing in this world can build them back. You wish you could just erase the mistake and look them in the eyes and say, "Hey, I'm sorry". And even if you mean it, it's usually not enough. You have to explain yourself, and argue, and put up a fierce fight before they kiss your lips and say "I forgive you".
And that's only if you're lucky.
Sometimes the battle just isn't enough to keep them around.
I'm figuring that out the hard way. I'm learning that "I'm sorry" is just seven letters put together to link an emotion of emptiness and regret, and actions speak louder than words. I've stopped to realize that just because I've been hurt gives me no right to hurt someone who's been nothing but good to me.
Even if someone has hurt you over and over, there's nothing that can make them understand how bad they've hurt you. Therefore... They're not worth the explanation.
I'm learning that my mistakes can effect someone who never WANTED to loose me. I'm loosing the person that makes them happy, but they're loosing the person that also makes them happy. But they're letting you go because they respect themselves. And whatever you do... Respect that. Respect that they love themselves more than they love you, because they're the strong ones. They're the smart ones. They're the ones that value their time and love their life too much to spend it being hurt.
They're also the ones that have been hurt a million times.
Put aside your selfish pride to admit when you're wrong and apologize.
Put aside the fear of loosing someone, and the thought of feeling empty to let someone know you were wrong. Because if they find out another way then you've basically lied and after all...
A lie is a lie and it hurts.

THIS SUMMER.

This summer, dance a little more, laugh a little harder, tan until it hurts, drink because you're young, don't sleep until you're tired, pause the drama & don't press play until school starts, ride with your music loud, party... ALOT, do stupid things and wake up feeling perfectly fine about it, take too many pictures, ignore what people think, and live... Live hard as fuck.

So Soon.

Just let this sink in... One day you'll be at your last Friday night football game and prom. One day you'll be at your last game with your team. One day you'll be taking your last test and eating your last school lunch. One day you'll have your last fire drill and report card. One day you'll have your last young and wild saturday night with people you've made a million memories with. One day you'll be closing your locker and walking out of those four doors for the last time. One day you'll be standing in an alphabetical ordered line in a cap & gown with people who you watched grow up. People who watched you grow up. Some of those people you'll never see again or hear about. One day you'll forget about all the people you knew and you'll barely remember the memories until you find a picture that makes you think of one. One day you'll be packing up 18 years of your life into boxes and hugging your parents goodbye. It's sad... One day you won't be in high school anymore... And we're all ready to leave so soon.