This Isn't A Love Poem

This isn't a love poem, it's way beyond that, the rythming may be wrong, and probably the format. But today I believe there's some things you should know, I'm not sure if it makes sense, so read CAREFULLY while i go.
Your voice is so content, and I swear there's nothing better. Our Conversations flow like this poem or a letter. But now that i've stopped hearing it my life is not the same. Since I've been stuck in this storm all I hear is rain.
Your kisses make me forget about gravity while my feet loose solid ground. My last kiss wasn't you... No wonder sidewalk was all I found.
School just isn't the same without your hands tangled in mine. I miss stopping by your locker, wishing life gave us more time.
Your new girl may be beautiful, she may just be the best, but who is she at the end of the day? Put her to the test.
She's not the girl you laugh with, or the girl that knows you best. She's not the girl that reminds you that your more amazing than the rest.
She's not the girl you can text all day without a bit of bore. She's not the girl who asks what's wrong, and sheds your feelings to the core.
She's not the girl you talk about, the one that knows your dreams. She's just the girl with a pretty face... nothing like she seems.
She's not the girl that tells you everything, kinda like a friend. She's not the girl that told you she'll be here till the very end.
She's not the girl you kiss good-bye, the one you always think of. She's not the girl that holds your hand... The girl you really love.
I'll Deal with what you've chose to choose, and act like everythings fine. But lets be real, I'm in love with you... wait... did i just cross the line?
I'll deal with what I'm given... Even if it's not you. I still wonder if you miss me, the same way I do.
I guess this is how things are... But are they ment to be? And in the end this STUPID paper became a love poem as you see...

I Can't Sleep Tonight

I Can't Sleep Tonight ... I wish I could. God knows I do, but I can't. I'm to busy thinking. I'm laying here looking at the ceiling THINKING. I'm such a looser. I'm thinking about... Stuff... My life. Why I'm a confused wreck. One second I'm a happy shining sun, and the next low and in the dumps. I've screamed in my pillow... And that didn't even work. Weird huh? I've talked to my mom and friends... I've even tried explaining to my brother, but there's just no words for it. Ya know what I mean? Probably not... I've never felt like this before. I don't know if it's something physical, or mental. I don't know if it's a good thing or a bad thing. I don't know if I'm just down right being dramatic. I just don't know. Haven't been feeling like myself lately, and I'm really trying to figure out why. It's like... I'm happy... But I'm not. Am I making any kinda sense right now? It's so hard to explain. It's on the tip of my tongue, but it won't show up in my head. I'm trying to pull myself together, but I can't even think of ways to do that. I feel like Vinny off jersey shore. Except I'm not homesick? I'm in a "Funk" as the jersey cast would say. Haha ! Well... I'm laying here feeling like an empty robot, hoping that SOMETHING will help me understand it all. I'm getting nothing. It's ALL BAD ! Lol Even my mom has been telling me I haven't been myself. That's when you KNOW something isn't right. I don't mean to cause trouble or worry. I'm really trying to be me. I guess my hardest isn't enough. I guess I'll keep tryin... Well, I needa get some sleep now. Goodnight.

My Head Has Gotten Enough Attention

What have i learned? I've learned that when you listen to your HEAD Your HEART Gets hurt. I've listened to my head for too long. I've made the same mistakes for too long. What does that mean you ask? It means that I'M DONE. Going to sleep in a shitty mood is getting old. crying, and complaining is getting old. Listening to everyone else IS GETTING OLD. I've listened to my head for so long because that's where all the advice was. That's where I went when i didn't know what to do next, because everything that everyone has told me is right there. But guess what? I don't need to listen to my head anymore. My head is just a whole bunch of jumbled up, confusing, disorganized, cheap, selfish advice that was given to me by people who know NOTHING about what i'm going through. I can tell them how i feel, but they'll never know the whole story. They'll never know every little detail of what's going on because it's MY life. I've depended on people to tell me what they thought was right. How stupid of me... How stupid of me to put my decicions in other people's hands. I've come to a conclusion that I'll be ok. I don't need ANYONE. I don't need a boy with a pretty face, but a suck ass ego. I just don't. I deserve so much more. I deserve something that he wasn't giving me. I wasted so much time on what I WANTED that i forgot what i deserved. Love isn't everything. As a matter of fact it's just an aspect. Just because you love someone doesn't mean you need them. I was the girl in the movies that was a MESS because I was so sad and confused as to why that boy cldnt just love me. I was pathetic. Now I'm the girl at the end of the movie that's giving him one last kiss good-bye and walking away into the rainy mist. Everyone laughs when they find out about me being done with US because i've said it a thousand times, but this time is different. This time I've just had enough. This time i know it's real because of how well i'm handling it. Sure I still went home in cried my little eyes out, but this time I cried... and then got back to my feet and smiled. I told myself that time changes things. Time changes people. I guess time has changed me. I never give up though. Never have. Girls with a future don't give up.. I'm simply reminding myself that i can have something better than what i had. I'm taking time for MYSELF now. I'm taking this time to love myself. I've loved someone else for too long. I forgot how to love myself actually. He made me think that I had to be better than who i was, or some girl would snag my spot. That's not what you do to someone you love. Ya know? I'm not your average girl. Nope. Not me. I'm so much more. It's just that time i guess. It's that time to step back and walk away. Sure i love him, and will miss him, and wish things could have worked, but i'll also remember why I'm making this decision whenever I feel that way. When he misses me I hope he remembers why we stand where we do. Because HE made the decision to make the wrong decisions. I wish him the best. I hope someone else does everything i couldn't. If she comes along... I hope he Doesn't blaim her for my mistakes. I hope he loves her for every wrong SHE Does. I hope he doesn't compair her to me. Let her be her own person. I hope she's what he wants... He hurt me... But i learned alot along the way. It's time to listen to my HEART now... My head has gotten enough attention.

V O I C E S

Being grounded sucks... I feel freakin trapped. Staring at four walls can give you more of a headache than watching three of your younger siblings for Three hours. I think i'm gonna scream... For once in my life i wish i had a FRIEND. Someone to talk too.. someone... ANYONE? The silence is getting old. Are two Ds really woth this torture mom? Ugh... Last time i was grounded was like before last summer? No... It was during the summer, But i didn't care then because it was summer. I mean HEY, who's gonna make me stay in the house when there's a full sun outside? I'm planning on bringing up my grades up... that's kinda one of the hardest things for me to do though. I can't focus on school. I can't take it serious. High School ain't no joke. It's actually only getting harder and harder. I'm holdin on though... I'm not giving up. Things always get better. IN OTHER WORDS; Me and my... EX Boyfriend decided to take a little "Break. I guess that's what we're calling it? It sucks though. I hate it. I kinda think this.. "break" is saying "Shayla, you and him shouldn't be together, because he doesn't WANT You guys to be together. This "break" will continue until you realize you can get along fine without him". The thought of me just moving on gives me goose bumps. Like, what the hell? I can't even imagine being with someone else right now. And everyones in my face like "MOVE ON" but i'm standing alone like "Not quite yet...". I Just know there's something more to this. Moving on isn't as easy as everyone tries to say. Let me throw a perfect boy that you've loved for almost 6 months, and tell you to move on. It's nearly impossible. All these voices are driving me crazy. I'm hearing so many different things from so many different people. Voices about school, voices about hard work, voices about love, voices about happiness, voices that say "I need advice", voices that say "Let me give you advice", voices that THINK they know, voices that wish they did, and voices that just flat out want to be heard. So what now? ... WHAT now?

I'm Not Sure There's Anyone Like Him ?

Right Now I'm Kinda Confused ... I Don't Have A Boyfriend WHY ? I Don't Even Know ... I Hate To Admit It , But I Truly , Honestly , Without A Doubt Love That Kid . I've Loved Him From The Day He Walked Up To Me . I've Loved Him From The SECOND He Smiled . So Why Am I Just Giving Up On Him You Ask .. ? Well ... Because He's Giving Up On Me . The Way He's Been Acting Just Isn't For Me . I Know I May Say Crazy Things , & Get WAY To Jealous , But That's Just Me . I'm Not Saying It's ALL His Fault , Cause I Know I Mess Up Alot , But I'm Saying He Never Takes Notice In His Mistakes ... I RARELY Get A "Sorry" With Him . Moving On Is The Hardest Thing To Do , But Also The SMARTEST Thing To Do . I Feel Like He's Different Though ... I Feel Like He's Not A Big Ole Made Up Lie Like Every Other Boy . There's Something Different About Him . The Way He Makes Me Feel Is ... BETTER . He's The Boy In The Movie That Everyone Tells You To Watch Out For , But It's Hard Not To Fall In Love With His Charm . It Was Like He Was MADE For Me . We Argue , & Disagree , & Drive EachOther CRAAAAAZZZZYYY , But It's All For One Reason ... Yah , That's Right . That Word Thats Dangerous ... L O V E . You Never REALLY Know If You Love Someone Until You Look Back On It , & Let Me Tell Ya , I Had NO Clue What Love Was . An Adult Would Probably Read This Like "What ? Your Like 15 ... How Can You Love Someone ?" Well ... I've Figured Alot Out In All My 15 Years Of Living , & I Know How I Feel When I Feel It . I've Loved My Family For 15 Years , & If I Didn't Then What's That Feeling I Have Called ? ... That's What I Thought (; 

Well Anyways I Kinda Miss Him Already , & It's Only Been A Day . I Just Wanna See Him Right Now At This Very Second & Kiss His Perfect Lips , But ... I Can't . It Sucks . I Just Refuse To Be With Someone That Doesn't Deserve Me . So Who Knows If We'll Ever Be Back Together ... Who Knows If He Even CARES We're Broken Up , But Time Can Only Tell . I'm Not Begging Him To Change , & I Never Will . If He Decides To Be The Kinda Person He USE To Be By His Own Choice Then I'll Accept That , But Until Then ... I'm Sticking With My Gut . I Hope He Misses Me Though ... Cause I Miss Him . I Kinda Need My Boyfriend Back Soon Though . The Boyfriend That Was My BEST Friend , The One That Made Me Laugh & Smile , & Was Pure Perfection ... I Need THAT Boyfriend Back ... If I Have To Move On Though I Will ... Things Change . Moving On Is Just Part Of Life . There's Other Fish In The Sea ... But I'm Not Sure There's Anyone Like Him ?

If I Could Write A Guide On Life ...

No one ever warned us about life ... If i could write a guide on life ... I'd tell them things my mom forgot to mention to me, & details the bible doesn't tell. I'd write it in short paragraphs so they'd read forever. I'd tell them that although talking is a right, watch what you say because not everyone understands the word 'Opinion'. I'd let them know that people will throw them down, & stomp on their fingers. But they'll soon realize that black & blue heals, & It'll be their turn to fall. I'll tell them not to be the one that threw them down though, remember how it felt. If anything help them back up, & thank them for teaching you how to be strong. I'd remind them to ALWAYS Smile around people that don't like them, & laugh so hard they cry. I'd tell them to make a wish every chance they get, & pray when someone steals their hope. I'd write in all caps "BE YOURSELF" because that's the hardest thing to do when your trapped in an unreal world of fakes & phonies. I'd be sure to tell them how bad it hurts for mean words & lies to poke at your back, so I'd tell them to grab the knife & kick it for miles so the people it came from can't stab you. I'd tell them to be a good daughter. Be a good son. Be a good wife. Be a good husband. If you have a son one day teach him how to treat a girl, & let him know how precious & delicate they are. If you have a daughter one day, tell her how beautiful she, & remind her how much easier life will be if she ties her morals around her wrist & never forgets they're there. I'd tell them to kiss slowly. Every memory is A diamond. Love what you deserve so you'll never waste your time. Grab A hand that's in trouble, look them in the eyes & say "It'll all get better". Don't brake promises. Hold on to them tight like you did the person's pinky. I'd tell them to fall IN Love. Fall OUT of love. Let someone Else's heart anchor you down, but always keep the key to the chains for if you decide you deserve better. Get good grades. Don't be scared to be smart. I'd tell them to visit church every once in a while, & keep going until a service makes a stream of tears roll down their face. I'd tell them that things will change, but never be scared to adjust & know that it's only happening so better things can come. I'd tell them that they'll get so mad tears will take over them. Scream in your pillow... that makes everything better. I'd tell them that their will be a time when they're stuck between 2 people, & they'll love both ... I'd tell them to choose the one that makes them happiest without trying. There will be things you don't like, but you won't be able to fix. Deal with it. I'd tell them to apologize when they're wrong, & prove when they're right. I'd tell them to make a list of goals every year. Accomplish anything you've always wanted to do. Read a book that makes you want to read it again. Grab your bestfriend & dance in the rain. Get soaking wet & just fall in love with life. Travel around the world ... maybe not around the world, but somewhere FAR. Don't match everyday. Break some rules that will have you wishing you never did. I'd tell them to wrap their arms around someone everyday just to show them they still care. Hug someone who NEEDS A hug,Write down your feelings until your pencil runs out of led. I'd tell them to find someone who's just like them. Find someone who's completely different. I'd tell them to read this if they ever need a guide on life <3