Let me ask you this...
If you were born with one wish that you didn't get to use until you were at LEAST 16, what would you wish for? Not more wishes, or all the money in the world. A sincere TRUE wish. If you asked me? Well, I'd tell you that I'd wish for a second chance. We all say stupid things like "I don't regret. Everything happens for a reason". You don't regret? You've never done something that you just thought about 2 years down the road like, "What the HELL was I thinking?". Yes you have. We all have. We all regret. This year I walked down a new road that pretty much none of you know about. I feel like it's important for me to be real with my readers. I always do. So let me be real... I lost everything this summer. No, it wasn't because I my house got burned down, or a storm struck or anything like that. It started with something simple that changed my whole life. My dad lost his job... And well... We lost almost everything to our name. We had no choice but to go live with my grandma in Louisiana. I cried everyday. I complained EVERYDAY. I said I wanted to go home EVERYDAY. But you know what... I haven't complained ever since I stepped off that train and smelled the air of home. That's why I wouldn't take it all back if someone offered me the world at my finger tips. I just would have changed the way I dealt with it. I get it. I finally understand the lesson god wanted 2012 to teach me. Home never felt so good when you spend 5 months away from it. Not a house, or a bedroom, but what I see everyday when I'm driving down the road. I see it now. I see my real friends, and my family. I see the caring parents I have. I see my grandma smiling down on me. I see my sister's newborn baby fast asleep. I see my hands finally gripping a steering wheel. I see a smile when I pull down my mirrior in the car to look at myself before I go into work. I see that I get hurt way more often than I deserve for someone I'd walk a million miles for. I see the city lights that suffocate the night sky from stars. I like it. I see my bed that I get to come home to everyday and clothes thrown all around my bedroom floor. I see love. In all different directions. Not the "sweep me off my feet and kiss me" love, but the "look to me and I'll be here" love. Ya know? The love that you don't realize is there until you feel like you're at the end of the road and then someone taps your back and grabs your hand to jump with you so you won't hit rock bottom alone. That's the best kinda love. The love that you don't feel all the time, but know is there. That way you're only lonely when you're scared to show that you need help jumping. If I could look into a troubled child's eyes, I'd kiss their forehead and say "Want a rainbow? Keep walking through the storm". You can have what you think is a perfect life... And then wake up one day, and BOOM. Here comes hell. Doesn't matter who you are or where you came from. You could be like me... Happy. And then your life could change before your eyes just through the smallest mess. Scary isn't? I don't where I belong. As a matter of fact, none of us do. That's why talking about our future is fun. We don't exactly know where we're going. The future has no garuntees because the present is temporary. Just because your life is a certain way NOW, doesn't mean it'll stay that way forever. Don't be scared of change. Let change be scared of you. Make change wanna stay the same because your strong enough to break through it. In the past year... I've lost my house. I've lost my boyfriend. I've lost the sport I love. I've lost my clothes. I've lost my bed. I've lost my grandma. I've lost my cell phone. I've lost my smile. I've lost the school that I loved. I've lost hopes and dreams. I've lost my determination. I've lost my pride and my dignity. I've lost my smile. I've lost everything. And now... As I sit here on December 20, 2012 I am happy. I have found. I found my smile. I found my new house that my family and I love. I found a job. I found peace with my grandma's deathe. I found my new school that I love. I found my determination, my pride, and my dignity. I found my clothes, and my bed, and warm food infront of me. I found my cell phone, and hope. I found my dreams. But mostly... I found to appreciate life in the form it's given to me. Appreciate it all. Appreciate it because it doesn't HAVE to exist... But it does. Thank god faith has found me. I'm a better person. I'm a smarter girl. I don't complain when I can't have $5 dollars to go to te football game. Theres someone that's never been to one. I don't want to make my mom's bank go broke anymore because I want the hottest trends. I have my own job now that has really made me grow up and become independent. I don't go upstairs and slam my door because I have to clean my room before I leave. Some kids don't even have rooms to clean, or parents to nag them. I DON'T CARE. I don't want it. You can keep the pieces. I want the puzzle when it's done. I don't wanna be the best anymore. I don't want everything. I just wanna be me. I just wanna have what I'm able to have. I don't care... We grow up wanting and wanting and wanting until we start to realize that sometimes we can't have everything we want. And that's when we fall apart. Seperate your needs from your wants. When your without what you WANT, don't tell yourself it's what you need... Tell yourself you'll have it... Just not right now. There's so many things that I WANTED in my life. I wanted EVERYTHING I saw as a matter of fact, but right now... All I want is to be alive. I can work on having the rest later. I'll have it all one day... Just not right now. I've grown up in 2012. More than I've imagined I ever would, but I still have alot as a person to become. I still have some changes to make and some doubts to prove. But I can do it. That's what my grandma always said. "You CAN do it. There's nothing you CAN'T do unless you don't try". 2013... Bring me Health. That's all I NEED. But bring me happiness... That's all I WANT.
RIP Grandma... I know your our gaurdian angel. Thank You.
