You Can Keep The Pieces. I Don't Want It

Let me ask you this...
If you were born with one wish that you didn't get to use until you were at LEAST 16, what would you wish for? Not more wishes, or all the money in the world. A sincere TRUE wish. If you asked me? Well, I'd tell you that I'd wish for a second chance. We all say stupid things like "I don't regret. Everything happens for a reason". You don't regret? You've never done something that you just thought about 2 years down the road like, "What the HELL was I thinking?".  Yes you have. We all have. We all regret. This year I walked down a new road that pretty much none of you know about. I feel like it's important for me to be real with my readers. I always do. So let me be real... I lost everything this summer. No, it wasn't because I my house got burned down, or a storm struck or anything like that. It started with something simple that changed my whole life. My dad lost his job... And well... We lost almost everything to our name. We had no choice but to go live with my grandma in Louisiana. I cried everyday. I complained EVERYDAY. I said I wanted to go home EVERYDAY. But you know what... I haven't complained ever since I stepped off that train and smelled the air of home. That's why I wouldn't take it all back if someone offered me the world at my finger tips. I just would have changed the way I dealt with it. I get it. I finally understand the lesson god wanted 2012 to teach me. Home never felt so good when you spend 5 months away from it. Not a house, or a bedroom, but what I see everyday when I'm driving down the road. I see it now. I see my real friends, and my family. I see the caring parents I have. I see my grandma smiling down on me. I see my sister's newborn baby fast asleep. I see my hands finally gripping a steering wheel. I see a smile when I pull down my mirrior in the car to look at myself before I go into work. I see that I get hurt way more often than I deserve for someone I'd walk a million miles for. I see the city lights that suffocate the night sky from stars. I like it. I see my bed that I get to come home to everyday and clothes thrown all around my bedroom floor. I see love. In all different directions. Not the "sweep me off my feet and kiss me" love, but the "look to me and I'll be here" love. Ya know? The love that you don't realize is there until you feel like you're at the end of the road and then someone taps your back and grabs your hand to jump with you so you won't hit rock bottom alone. That's the best kinda love. The love that you don't feel all the time, but know is there. That way you're only lonely when you're scared to show that you need help jumping. If I could look into a troubled child's eyes, I'd kiss their forehead and say "Want a rainbow? Keep walking through the storm". You can have what you think is a perfect life... And then wake up one day, and BOOM. Here comes hell. Doesn't matter who you are or where you came from. You could be like me... Happy. And then your life could change before your eyes just through the smallest mess. Scary isn't? I don't where I belong. As a matter of fact, none of us do. That's why talking about our future is fun. We don't exactly know where we're going. The future has no garuntees because the present is temporary. Just because your life is a certain way NOW, doesn't mean it'll stay that way forever. Don't be scared of change. Let change be scared of you. Make change wanna stay the same because your strong enough to break through it. In the past year... I've lost my house. I've lost my boyfriend. I've lost the sport I love. I've lost my clothes. I've lost my bed. I've lost my grandma. I've lost my cell phone. I've lost my smile. I've lost the school that I loved. I've lost hopes and dreams. I've lost my determination. I've lost my pride and my dignity. I've lost my smile. I've lost everything. And now... As I sit here on December 20, 2012 I am happy. I have found. I found my smile. I found my new house that my family and I love. I found a job. I found peace with my grandma's deathe. I found my new school that I love. I found my determination, my pride, and my dignity. I found my clothes, and my bed, and warm food infront of me. I found my cell phone, and hope. I found my dreams. But mostly... I found to appreciate life in the form it's given to me. Appreciate it all. Appreciate it because it doesn't HAVE to exist... But it does. Thank god faith has found me. I'm a better person. I'm a smarter girl. I don't complain when I can't have $5 dollars to go to te football game. Theres someone that's never been to one. I don't want to make my mom's bank go broke anymore because I want the hottest trends. I have my own job now that has really made me grow up and become independent. I don't go upstairs and slam my door because I have to clean my room before I leave. Some kids don't even have rooms to clean, or parents to nag them. I DON'T CARE. I don't want it. You can keep the pieces. I want the puzzle when it's done. I don't wanna be the best anymore. I don't want everything. I just wanna be me. I just wanna have what I'm able to have. I don't care... We grow up wanting and wanting and wanting until we start to realize that sometimes we can't have everything we want. And that's when we fall apart. Seperate your needs from your wants. When your without what you WANT, don't tell yourself it's what you need... Tell yourself you'll have it... Just not right now. There's so many things that I WANTED in my life. I wanted EVERYTHING I saw as a matter of fact, but right now... All I want is to be alive. I can work on having the rest later. I'll have it all one day... Just not right now. I've grown up in 2012. More than I've imagined I ever would, but I still have alot as a person to become. I still have some changes to make and some doubts to prove. But I can do it. That's what my grandma always said. "You CAN do it. There's nothing you CAN'T do unless you don't try". 2013... Bring me Health. That's all I NEED. But bring me happiness... That's all I WANT.

RIP Grandma... I know your our gaurdian angel. Thank You.

You're Somebody's Hero

Last week I learned a lesson that I'll never forget...  Standing up for what is right makes you someone's hero.
There was a girl in class that was being bullied so bad that it made my stomach hurt. They were throwing atuff at her. Pushing her. Hitting her. Telling her how "retarded" she was. Talking about her so she could hear. Saying things about her that I wish I could have just taken her ears and heard for her. She didn't say anything except "leave me alone". Those words echoed inside my head the whole time I sat there & watched. I seriously could have walked out of the class... I never really witnessed that face to face. But I didn't walk out... I said loud enough for them all to hear "You guys are nothing but bullies". They all looked at me and asked who I was talking to and I pointed to every last single boy and girl that I was addressing. I said, "You're all nothing but big ass bullies. You do this stuff to her everyday and you KNOW she's not gonna say anything to any of you. People kill themselves EVERYDAY because of stuff you all are doing right now. It's not cool. It's not by any means FUNNY, and it sure as hell isn't right!" The boy most recently bullying her said "You don't know me!" And I laughed and said, "You're exactly right. I DON'T know you. If someone asked me about you all that would come to my head is you being a bully... Because that's all you've showed me since I've been in this class. I know NOTHING else about you except the fact that you're a bully. You don't know her either. You don't know what she's already going through everyday that you all might be adding on to. None of you are perfect. None of you do everything right... But when YOU are all perfect and do everything to perfection talk about someone, but until then... Don't say shit. And I'm not scared of ANY of you. I don't care if you don't like me! You don't have to like me!". None of them said a word... The teacher sat across the room shaking her head while I talked. I wrote the girl a note and gave it to her at the end of class. I didn'y know how any of them felt about what I said, and I didn't really care, but it was something that I felt was right to do. It was something in my heart that would have eaten at me forever if I wouldn't have done it. When I walked out of class the teacher said "Thank you so much shayla..." and the woman sitting beside her smiled at me. The word got around and all day people were telling me how good what I did was. I didn't do it to for anyone though... I did it for that girl that couldn't open up her fragile little mouth and do it herself. The next day of class the teacher whispered in my ear for me to stay after class. When I did she told me that she thought about what I did all weekend and told me that she's never seen a student at this high school do what I did. And you know what she said after that "The woman I was talking to that day looked at me when you left and said 'that girl is my hero'"... I didn't even know what to say. Being in Lousiana felt POINTLESS until that day. Maybe god brought me here to save a life. Maybe if I wasn't here something different would have happend to that girl... But I was here... God sent her me. I don't know how that girl felt about what I did, and I don't care, but I know that what I did made me feel better about myself. No one knows what anyones going through. I don't even know what that girl is going through. No one does. I do know that the smallest thing wrong you say to someone can be the last thing they could take because of everything else going on in their life. YOU could trigger their last strike. YOU could be the gun in their hand or the rope around their neck. YOU could could be the overdose. YOU could be the reason. It's something more serious than we all realize. It's real. People's LIFES are worth it. They're young just like us... Let them live. Watch what you say and mind how you say it. Stand up for what is right and never fear the ones who try to show you that their strong... Those are the ones that are usually the weakest. Save a life.

Quick Advice

If you fall in love with someone else while you're with the person you're suppose to "love" then you don't really love the first person... There's no such thing as being in love with two people. Being IN love can only be real with one person. If you THINK your in love with two people... Guess again and choose fast, because love doesn't wait, and one sooner or later they'll both be gone.

I'M MAD!!!!!!!!!! And A Cheerleader...

Life is so much harder when you think negatively about everything. I've been so mean and mad lately... I've been a horrible person, and I know that. The good thing is that I KNOW the way I'm acting is wrong. I've been so down right rude to people who don't even deserve it... And I feel bad. I feel bad that my attitude is sort of taking over my life. It's not fair to everyone around me that has to deal with me on a daily basis... But I seriously can't help it. Like, I'M MAD!!!!!!!!! I'm mad about everything. I mad about my whole life. I wish I could think positive, but everytime I do, I'm right back where I started. I try everyday to smile the way I'm suppose to and laugh everything off... But then I'd be being fake. I don't feel like laughing and smiling, and taking everything as "no bi deal". It IS a big deal. I don't care if I "get mad about the smallest and dumbest stuff". If I'm mad then let me be mad! I can hide my sadness pretty well, but I can't hide my anger for anything in the world... When I'm mad, you can't tell me absolutely ANYTHING. It's just the way you have to let me be until I decide to go back to happy, jolly shayla. This is a problem though... And I know I need to make changes when it comes to the way I handle my anger, because I know I look WAY better when I smile.
I guess not everythings wrong in my life though... Wanna know something I am pretty happy about though?  I'm a Varsity basketball and a JV football cheerleader at my high school! GOAL ACCOMPLISHED! I know what your thinking, "Ok... You just wrote a dumb blog about how you DIDN'T make the team".. Well... I didn't... But I did... I guess? They forgot to put me on the list basically. And all week I was getting texts, and emails, and papers sent to my class about cheer, and I'm over here like "What? This is a sick joke". And finally the coach emailed my mom and told her it was a mistake of hers for not putting me on the list! Isn't that something? Haha! I've been really excited. Like, It almost feels unreal. This is what I've been waiting for since I was like 12. Cheerleading put me at an ease that I'm sure all atheletes feel when the touch base on what feels like their second home. Might be the football feild, might be the court, might be the track, and it might be infront of a net. My second home? THE MATS. It's kind of the love of my life. Being a cheerleader takes HEART and endurance. "It's not a sport" is the worst thing we want to hear. We work just as hard as everyone else. It's not a sport, but there's WORLD champions out there doing it as a living and making big bucks? It's not a sport but it gives you abbs like runners? It's not a sport but you can get a gym credit for it? HA! I'm pretty sure it is ;) Cheerleading is my night and shining armor that rescues me from life when I need a break. It makes me happy. It forces me to SHUTUP AND THROW, even when I'm scared I won't land. It's sort of m everything... Yea. Glad I accomplished one of my 2012 goals.

There's Someone Out There That's Perfect For You

Whoever's reading this has had to move on at a certain time in their life... Correct? And how did it feel...? It LITERALLY hurts. It makes you feel weak and tired. It makes you feel incomplete and sad. I have this feeling in my stomach that I feel like no one else could possibly ever understand. I have to move on from something that I'm absolutely in love with... But I'm doing it for myself. You know it's time to move on when the person who once made you smile, and laugh, and love now makes you cry, and feel nothing but hurt. I'm sitting infront of my computer right now unable to think about nothing but him. You want to go back in time and relive it all. You want to feel his kisses and smile because of his hugs... But you know it's not what's best for you. People freakin change!!! And as much as you expect it to be perfect forever... Not all of all of us get the long end of the stick. Don't get me wrong ... You might have someone that's absolutely perfect for you... But you might also have someone who's TEMPORARY. I don't quite have all the answers, or I'd tell you how you know when someone's temporary. It'd save us all alot of time huh?  I'm so over trying to tell myself that I'm good enough for someone! I'm so over mentally confusing myself. My head is over here saying "Shayla, MOVE ON! MOVE ON! MOVE ON!" and my hearts over here saying "Hold on... I think I can take a little more. Don't give up yet. Don't... Not yet". And then the one I love is over here saying "Let go... I don't want you anymore"... It hurts when all of the sudden someone decides they don't want to be with you anymore. When they just hit you with a text message that makes your jaw hurt from trying not to cry. It's amazing how someone who swears they "love" you can get up and leave isn't it? Leave you when it feels like you want them the most. You feel like your hanging on by a thread. Like at any second your whole world is gonna crash. You... The person reading this. You know someone that means EVERYTHING to you. They've been here through everything and they're always here when you need to smile. Never let them go. Text them right now and tell them how much you love them. Call them right now and ask them how their day is. Let them tell you all of their problems. If you plan on always being here for them TELL them. Tell them that they make your day. Tell them how happy they make you. Do it now. Before one day they're gone. Before one day you turn around and check your phone to a text saying they can't be in your life anymore... Before they forget and run into someone else who tells them everyday. When you HAVE to move on from someone that meant everything to you, you're gonna take it hard. You're gonna cry... and that's ok. You're gonna feel like no one understands, and there's something wrong with you... But after that your gonna smile. I'm saying this so nonchalant like it's going to happen fast and be easy, but TRUST ME... I know it won't, and I know it's not, but while you're going through this hurt keep a little faith in yourself. Tell yourself this feeling will pass even though you feel like it won't. You were strong with them, and you can be without them. I'm gonna be real with you guys right now, I'm sitting at my computer wiping a few tears. But that's okay. I'm crying so I can prepare myself for the days I'll be able to smile (Even though right now I can't even imagine was smiling feels like). I've been doing the most stupid things. I got rid of everything that makes me think of his name. I know that might sound kind of immature, but if it makes you a little happier than I say go for it. You know what makes it the worst? He decided to move on when I needed him the most... When I feel like I have no one. But I guess in the end all you have is yourself anyway. You weren't born with any life guarantees. You weren't born with a promise written on your foot saying you'll always be happy and have the person you always wanted standing right beside you at all times. As a matter of fact... By the time you die you'll have met so many people that by that time you don't even remember. Ya know? You love and you loose... You waste your time and then realize how dumb you were for doing so much for someone that doesn't even wanna do the one one and only thing they ever did for you... Make you happy. I know this is only one of the many heartbreaks I'm going to go through, and thinking that thought makes me want to like throw up, because I can't imagine going through this ever again... But I know I will, and I'm prepared. You have to go through loosing love to find who you belong with. I hate to have lost, but I know one day I'm gonna wake up and smile about life. About every little pretty thing it has to offer. There's someone out there that's perfect for you. They're everything you're looking for. So let the ones who want to leave LEAVE. Accept that they aren't ready for everything amazing you have to offer. Don't let a bump in the road change your path. Don't stand there until a miracle happens... Walk over it.

And this song kinda puts my blog in a simpler way (It's a good country song, I swear!) :

And hopefully you have good supporters like me to get you through it <3