Women learn. And then fuck up. And then learn again.

Thought I wasted all year looking for myself, when in fact I knew exactly who I was the whole time... I just didn't believe it.

I spent so much time trying to figure out what I should REALLY be doing. I was losing friends, and trying to fix familyships and a relationship. I was tried of my responsibilities. I got tired of my surroundings. I was tired of my routine. I got tired of the way people treated me. I got really fucking tired. I sat there and wondered everyday, "where did I go wrong?" I had all these dumb problems, and I knew that if I ever let someone look into my world they'd tell me to catch a fucking grip. But where do you start looking for yourself when you don't remember where you lost yourself? It's funny actually, because being lost is cool sometimes. You live off impulse and do a lot of shit you hope you won't regret. Although you're free to do whatever you want in life, you feel trapped because you don't know where to start or what you're supposed to be doing. You have no idea what's going to even work for your life. You're trying not to mess up, but you're messing up because you're trying all the wrong things. Oh, and meanwhile, losing you're mind to the thought of never being able to figure it all out. Itching to venture out in the world and go with the flow, but fearing what everyone will say. That feeling of being lost burned like fire in me honestly... And I reacted to it as I felt. Which was hurt. Before you knew it I was literally losing who I was because I didn't even want to be who I was. I didn't like who I was. So I let me go. And I actually shut down for a second. I started to smoke a lot and keep people in my life simply because I felt like I needed them. I became the "bitch" they all said I was, and it was super scary because for some reason I craved people's approval of me. And they weren't approving. I always hated that about myself. And I knew that's where I wanted to start. So I stopped chasing people and let them leave. I also stopped pushing people away who wanted to love me. I started to apologize to the people I hurt, and I didn't even expect an apology from the people who hurt me because I forgave them anyway. I forgave them because I was ready to love myself again despite anyone who couldn't. And of course, I'm 19 years old and the journey to find myself showed me other things than what I was trying to figure out to begin with. I tried to work on my communication, and instead I learned that saying nothing can be the best form. I tried to convince myself that I needed to be alone during all of this, and instead realized that I was missing out on some important friendships that I needed to lift my spirit. I tried to work on not pushing people away, and actually learned something different while coloring with a 10 year old who's daddy let's her do his makeup and paint his nails from time to time. She said she's the only girl and he barely ever says no unless he's tired. She asked me if my daddy ever let me do his makeup. And you know what?  I'm actually really fucking hurt that I could never do my daddy's makeup and nails... Because I was the only girl too. I couldn't ever seem to face that I was hurt about my dad not being around. I learned that I know what hurt feels like.. And that's why I refused to let anyone make me feel it again. Now I refuse to allow myself to push good people away because bad people hurt me. Having good people in your life is a necessity for your growth and happiness, and it's okay to have people in your life to help guide that. I tried to stop caring what people thought, and instead actually realized that not everyone matters, and if they do matter then I have to hear them out and understand that it's just out of love. I tried to be more positive about going to work everyday, and actually realized that the problem was that I wasn't happy working where I was. I tried to be more motivated about going to class everyday and, I actually learned that I wanted to change my major. I tried telling myself that I need to stop being a "bitch", and I realized that I'm not a bitch. I believed I was and that's why I acted like one. But what's a bitch? A woman who is passionate is a bitch. A woman who expresses her emotions and wears her heart on her sleeve is a bitch. A woman who says how she feels and isn't afraid to be right or wrong no matter who's watching. A woman who reacts to what life is giving her in all the ways she wants to. Maybe I'm not a bitch. Maybe I'm just a woman. Maybe I'm a woman who's making mistakes and learning. Maybe I'm a lost woman who is going left when I should go right. Maybe I'm a woman who's still looking for her mind. Maybe im a woman who doesn't want to find it. Maybe I like my mind being lost. Maybe no one can tell me about myself because I can't tell you about myself. Maybe I don't have all the answers because I'm not looking. I was never looking. Maybe that's why I am who I am. Because I've never looked for the answers. I am who I am because I've fucked up and learned and fucked up again. Now I just have to keep learning. Always keep learning. You're a passionate woman, not a bitch. Women learn. And then fuck up. And then learn again.